I Am Bridget Jones

I am Bridget Jones (say that with an Ozzy accent.  Cool right?) Actually, I’m Bridget Jones without the Darcy-attachment. I’d rather be Geraldine Granger with the Armitage-attachment, but I’ll save that for another day.

I think that every single girl has that dread, that image of choking on a fishbone while you eat alone and all your neighbors are out and your phone, which just died, isn’t even within reach. No? You’ve never thought this? Well, what about tripping up the stairs and knocking your head on the bannister so hard you trigger an aneurism all while your neighbors are enjoying a block party, their music drowning out your agonized screams. Still no?  Well, no one can argue with this:

bridget jones quote - spinsterhoodIt is, after all, from The Internet (whose quotes are always accurate) plus in an added bonus, it’s a quote from a book that was made into a movie.  It’s practically Gospel!

Anyway, I’ve established that I have no grasp on singletons’ fears of dying alone there are many dying-alone fears that single people have, the best of which I’ve saved for last:

Having never slipped in the shower before, imagine my surprise as suddenly I was doing the splits (something else I’d never done before).  My panic attack was stopped suddenly as my upper thigh connected with the soap dish that was (thankfully!!) gorilla glued to the wall.  I thought for sure I’d have a huge L-shaped bruise on my arse (ok, I lied about the upper thigh), but it never appeared.  What did appear was my life flashing before my eyes… and how this could’ve been much worse.  Much much worse.

How worse, you ask (trying to mask your annoyance that I didn’t actually die in the above scenario)? Well, I’m so glad that you did:

Like slipping on nothing in the shower, falling face down, chipping a tooth on the edge while also getting a concussion and then drowning in the tub since (even though it was supposed to be a shower) the drain had clogged and since you’re too cheap to buy a shower mat, could not push yourself above the few inches of water.  Within minutes, you’re dead and within hours the the bathroom’s flooded.  It takes a few days (because your apartment’s on the first floor, only the basement beneath) for maintenance to be called.

Don’t even lie, this is totally a fear of yours.  No? Well it is now!


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